Balance

 Things have been better. Not good, yet. There have been glimpses of good times, and sometimes those glimpses last hours. But as a whole, i am still not sure what is truth, and what is a placeholder. Am I a placeholder until things are better elsewhere? Am I just bidden time for someone else? 
 I’m doing my best to not think about it, and for the most part I’m successful. I drink unruly amounts of coffee lately. To be whacked out on coffee, or drink myself into a stupor; these are the choices. I’d like to think I’ve been choosing the lesser of two evils. 
  I’m fear that I’m being played, but more than that, I fear allowing myself to be played. Stupidity isn’t the lack of intelligence, it’s knowing precisely what you ought not to do, and doing it anyway because you can’t help yourself. Only the weak can’t help themselves. I have been very stupid and weak lately; and even though I have garnered some happiness out of it, I can’t help but think that it may not be true. 
  But then that’s always been my problem, hasn’t it? Thinking too much, being cynical, whatnot? I’d like to think that I think too much, but I think I don’t think enough about not thinking too much. 

I wish my friend would talk to me. 

If it ain’t bout coffee, Kid ain’t bout it.